Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Somethings never change. 

It's hot in summer

It's cold in winter.

The sun rises, the sun sets.

Just when I get some nice money saved up, something breaks on my car.

The day I have an appointment to get my hair cut, I have a freaking great hair day and I question if I should cancel the appointment. 

As much as try to be early or on time, I am running late.

If I try something new on a menu, I wish I would have my favorite because I like it better.

I buy lottery tickets, but I never win big.

I make a list things to buy at the grocery store, then I forget to take the list with me to the store. 

I go on a diet, but I never keep the weight off.

I try not to procrastinate, but there is always time to work on that later.

Yeah, some things never change.

Sometimes change is good. Some times no change is comfortable and reliable. Sometimes when you need change it never seems to happen. Sometimes when you are coasting along nicely on the status quo, change happens when you least expect it.

Are you looking for a change?

What would you change if you could?

What has recently changed for you?

Thursday, July 29, 2010

How I Survived My High School Reunion

As a wise man once told me: "Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events. "

As the Reunion loomed, I thought more about those I've known, things I've done, things I wished I would have done. I thought of all the people I have been throughout my life. I have been shy, reserved, scarred, nervous, lacking. I have been troubled. I have been trouble. I have done a million things. I have changed once, and changed again, and no doubt change is coming. I have been single, a serial dater, committed, married, divorced, depressed, elated, loved, besotted, enamored and charmed. I have at times found peace, only to have discord.

Seeing people from high school was not easy for me. I did not really like high school. I strongly suspect I am not so different from many people in this. Those awkward teenage years trying to figure out who you are, who other people are and how you all fit together. Sometimes, how you don't fit together. It wasn't all bad, not by any means. I have not remained close to anyone from that time, although there are a few I wish I had. Time changes us all, we make mistakes and life moves on. People move on. Life happens.

I have bumped into people from that part of my life, from time to time. It's always interesting to see people. It's been a pleasure seeing how some have a good place in life. Some others I wish I had not seen. They stirred memories best left forgotten, feelings best left numbed by time. One person I didn't even know in high school has become a great friend, and has been a blessing to me with her generosity of time, spirit and good wishes. Others I thought I reconnected with, but it seems I was mistaken.

The Reunion loomed like a black cloud, but one with a magnetic attraction. I wanted to go, and see some friendly faces. I didn't want to feel like I was back in high school. The fat girl on the sidelines. The girl everyone knows, or kind of knows, but doesn't really know. For part of the time, I did indeed feel like I was back in high school.

Then I remembered: I was obligated to attend high school. I can always leave the high school reunion. I don't even need a note from my mother.

My thoughtful boyfriend pointed out last weekend that these are people who knew who I was. They knew me for a short period of time a long time ago. They don't know me now. And likewise. And this is okay.

It's taken me a few days to process the experience, from realizing I was done at the cocktail party Friday night and putting my glass down and leaving without a word (which felt great by the way!) to seeing genuine smiles of faces of long lost friends. I will choose to remember and cherish a few great moments from the weekend. These will be the memories I will carry with me.

A true smile on the face of S.H.I. - We had been close in a few classes in high school and I remember we laughed, a lot. She seemed genuinely happy to see me, and at that moment I knew I had made the right decision in attending. She is still beautiful, with an easy smile and I am grateful.

Seeing S.O.B. (wow... those initials didn't come out the way I thought!) Somewhere along the way in high school our friendship got lost. I think it was over something silly. Most likely a boy. Funny, how things fade away and you are left with memories of what matter most. A nice person who was fun and funny and whom I enjoyed our time together.

Catching with L.I. and H.W. Funny, we made it through junior high and high school together. Remember the "gifted resources" class with Mrs. Seim and fun projects? All the shared classes? You are both indelibly imprinted on my younger life, and I thank you.

Ah, K.H.K. and J.K. What can I say about that. J.... we had a blast in debate, and having you as a friend, ever so briefly, gave me confidence and courage. K.... what ever happened to that guy? What's his name? Okay, I remember his name, but after all these years, it doesn't seem to matter. What I said to you I mean with all my heart. I am happy for you, both.

J.C. and J.T.C. It was great seeing you both that day at Panera a few years ago, and seeing you both together, married... it all just made sense. It still does.

S.H.N. Wow, you are a busy woman with a great eye for photography and a happy heart. Your websites are amazing. You amaze me.

G.E. You still crack me up. I could talk to you for hours. You probably wouldn't enjoy that, but it would be memorable!

D.D. What can I say? You could always make me smile. You bring a sense of levity to those around you. Do you know how special you are? Do you know what a special gift you have? I hope so. I see that same gift in your son.

T.W.O. and P.O. : T.... we were honest when we said we didn't know each other then, but I definitely remember you. I thought you might have been more shy than me. Apparently not anymore! You are lovely and funny and expressive. P.O. You seem to be imprinted in my memories too. I think you were always looming in a hallway or in the back of a class. You were always kind. I will always remember your beautiful daughters. I was charmed my L. I asked her what she would miss most about Germany. She said, after some thought: "My friends. But that's okay, I will make new ones." Brilliant! Seeing her and Jackson joyfully running across the field together was a tender moment. You are both blessed.

B-I can still pronounce your maiden name-C. and G.C. You are both gracious. G... when you talk to someone, they feel like they have your full attention. Thank you. B, we had a lot of laughs. I missed our friendship in high school. I think we may have lost it over something not so important, as time goes by. You are beautiful. Your son H. has quiet charm and a lovely smile. All your children are beautiful. You both seem very happy. I am happy for you.

and K.S.B. You were my best friend. I can't explain what happened, except it was a bad, dark time in my life. You were a light in high school and after. I have never laughed so much as with you. I love you dearly, and after these years, know how happy I am for you. Thank you for being so kind.

it was nice to see everyone happy and healthy. As a class, I don't think we've done too bad. The popular people were still popular. The goofy guys were still.... you know. Goofy. M.D. was entertaining and it was great to meet his wife. A girl like me is still a girl like me, a bit of an enigma and standing in the shadows. There were those who didn't talk to me in high school, and who don't talk to me now (I am sure someone might be thinking the same thing about me). The popular "kids" are all grown up, kinda. Some seem to have had a charmed life, to have it all. Some are still childish and focused on themselves. Some like to gossip and have never learned that if you don't have anything nice to say... well, you know the rest. I think we all know the truth though. Life is hard. Each life is our own, and we make the best of it as we can.

In the end though, it's all okay.Really. Everything is okay. That is a good thing. I have been many things in my life. Kind, funny, misunderstood, used, taken advantage of. Yes, I have even been mean, mean spirited and not well intentioned, though thankfully, not often. Mostly though, I believe people are basically good and so I get befuddled and hoodwinked now and then, duped by eternal hope and naive belief that no one has ill intentions, and that people are genuine and what you see is what you get. What they say they mean, and what they do has meaning. Now, I try to be reflective, and observant. I try to be the hardest of all things for me: patient. I try to be grateful for what I do have, to recognize what is important and cherish the people in my life. Hardest of all, I try to cherish myself. I cherish all that I was, all that I am, and all that I can be. That is no easy task.

High School was a long time ago. There won't be another reunion for a long time, either! I know there are others who thought much the same about me, perhaps, as I thought of them. All is fair. We were so young. I was just a face in a hallway or across the lunchroom. Familiar, but unknown. How many people in life do you ever really get to know? Life is happening all around us, have you noticed?


Friday, November 6, 2009

I should Have Known Better (again)

I have recently ended (again) a four year long ordeal of an on again- off again relationship. In my last email to him, I told him I no longer loved him, and that I didn't even like him. There was no point in going on, that he would never see me again, not to contact me. Of course, he contacted me. HE, the almighty, narcissistic HE had to tell me that we were done. HE just had to get the last word in. I thought.... and THIS is exactly why I don't even like you. I think of all the wasted time I waited and hoped. It is, like so many things, a long and convoluted story. But I waited, and I hoped. I feel cheated. Unappreciated. Undervalued. Somewhere out there, I hope there is a man who will love me. Really. Love isn't an easy thing, but does it have to be so damn hard?

Dean, wherever you are: Fuck off! (again) You have been deleted.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Addiction is a Choice

So yes, addiction is a choice. The first time. The second time. By it's very nature... after you ARE addicted... is it really a choice?

I think those choices get harder with each "hit" to the addiction. There are many hidden addictions in life. Some are good, bad and benign. All addictions can, if left unchecked and over indulged, lead to destruction. There are those I dare say who exercise too much to the adverse effects on relationships and social life. There are those who over eat, over drink, have too much sex, have bad thoughts followed by bad actions, and those who abuse substances of nefarious nature.

There are addictions to people, or certain types of people. Attraction to the same characteristics that just never seem to work with your own. At least not for very long. A challenge at first, that adrenalin, that thrill. The danger and frustration hidden by lust and excitement, by hope and persistence.

I have some silly addictions. I will admit them to you. I am addicted to buying nail polish. And mascara. And logic puzzles. I am addicted to face book, and knitting and coffee in the morning. One cup, maybe two. I have that under control.

Many, many years ago, after my grandmother passed away I helped my parents clear out her room at the 'home' and go through all the things. She had moved here from the East Coast with very little. We bought her furniture, new clothes, pretty much everything. We knew, or rather, thought we knew what she had. I was shocked and horrified at how much crap this woman had accumulated in less than two years. She had squirreled away an unimaginable assortment of... well, junk. Junk from other resident after they passed and their families left things out in the hallway. A little five finger discount? Wouldn't put it past her. She had clothes she couldn't fit into. She had paper, cards, the list goes on, and on.

The point to this being, not only was she Crazy, with a capital "C", but she was addicted. Among other things. After seeing all that and realizing I shared DNA with the woman, I have given up being a pack rat. No addictions to "keeping" things. At least not for very long. I could see what she had become, and didn't want any part of it.

So I wonder, when I look back on my life, and see the addictions, quirks and habits of myself... why is it so hard to break the addiction? Why do I keep finding myself on the same path? Men? Yep... same assholes over and over and over. It's a pattern... and addiction. I think I'm often to impetuous, spontaneous, and happy go lucky. I need to stop and think before I leap. Perhaps my addiction is leaping? Or hoping?

I think it's time to rummage through all my nail polish ... and chill out. Now, what color?

What are YOU addicted to? Good? Bad? Indifferent?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Roller Coaster MoJo

Several years ago I went to Florida with my mom and then boyfriend... where we met some relatives from England. Disneyland, MGM, Busch Gardens, hanging out by the pool... all on the agenda.

It was a gray, overcast day when we visited Busch Gardens. The only person who would go on the roller coasters with me was my cousin's husband, Robert. We decided on the Montu... and inverted roller coaster... where the seats are attached at the top and your feet hang freely below you. It was awesome! We had a thrilling and exhilarating ride... when we got off and discovered a VERY short line ( less than 10 people) we couldn't resist and had to go again! And again, and again.

Now, remember a little earlier on when I mentioned it was a gray, overcast day? Here's the part of the story when that little descriptive detail becomes important. Robert and I, on our fourth (and final) time, sat in the front. The ride started off fine with us both looking forward to the trip, while relatives below looked on with both dismay and frustration (while wondering just how many MORE times we were going to go).

Shortly after the ride began, so did the rain. It wasn't much at first, a few drops here and there. As the ride began to excellerate... the rain began to fall a little faster... and hurt a whole lot more! Being up front and travelling about 50 to 60 miles in some of the falls... well, let me just put it this way.... it was like a few dozen hypodermic needles being stabbed into you. It HURT!

It hurt, a lot. So much in fact... that I had to close my eyes. The stinging was almost unbearable. Of course, this was my downfall. Closing your eyes on any roller coaster is NOT a good idea... and most definitely NOT a good idea on your fourth trip round.

By the time the ride stopped, so had the rain. I couldn't get to a bathroom fast enough. The next three hours were hell. I tried to be brave and stoic, and suck it up... but I was miserable. The world was spinning uncontrallably. Nothing seemed to help... sitting, standing, leaning... water, food (especially the greasy sausage on a stick my then boyfriend bought me; what was he thinking???)... nothing. I was a ruined woman.

I haven't ridden a roller coaster since.... not so much because of this experience... but I haven't been to many places which have them, nor with anyone who would go with me. I'd like to think that the thrill would still be there... that I could get past these stomach-churning memories. When I hear others talk of adventure rides... I am envious. Yet a little scared. Will I ever get my roller coaster mojo back?

Have you ever had something you loved to do ruined? A little too much of a good thing... something that made less enjoyable? Were you able to recapture the joy you once had?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Waiting Game

How much time do you think you've spent waiting?

I mean, waiting.... in your entire life? Waiting in a line, waiting at a red light or a stop sign, or waiting on the telephone... put on hold and lulled into a stupor by the instrumental versions of songs that sound familiar, but you can't quite name. Waiting for tomorrow, your birthday or Christmas? I think we spend A LOT of time waiting. We wait so long for so many things, most times we don't even realize we're doing it.

Do you remember being a kid, and waiting for the rain to stop so you could go out and play? It seemed like as soon as the rain started, there was absolutely NOTHING, and I mean nothing, worth doing inside; not a thing on TV, not a book to hold your interest, no good games to play. You just looked out the window at the cold gray day wanting sunshine and playmates. All you could do was wait.

Waiting can sometimes be an exhilarating thing... waiting in a crowd at a concert and watching the stage for any signs of movement; signs that your favorite band was about to take the stage after you bought tickets two months ago! Exhilaration comes from waiting in expection for your first kiss. Do you remember your first kiss? Do you remember who you kissed? How long did you wait for that moment, with that first person? Was it worth the wait? Can you remember the moments before the kiss; the nervous smile, the wanton looks, your faces getting ever so slightly closer and closer? And then.... the kiss. Forgettable or Unforgettable?

Waiting can be an excrutiating thing... when time seems to NOT only be moving slower, BUT somehow in reverse? You wait for the phone to ring after a doctor's appointment... you feel fine, but those days before you get your test results back can be agonizing. There is a little bit of fear in the back of your mind, that you can't quite escape, until you hear that you're okay; no tumor, no cancer, no surgery to fear. How about waiting for quitting time on a Friday when the skies are clear blue and a cool breeze is blowing? It seems as if the day will never end, and all you can do is wait.

Waiting can be an aggravating thing... Have you ever been waiting for someone to call you, and you wait and hope and want, and the phone never rings. You look at the phone, but that never actually makes it ring. You leave the room and try to keep busy, keep your mind occupied thinking of something else; but the phone remains silent. You check for messages, but there are none. The more you want that phone call, the longer you have to wait for it to ring. There is nothing else you can do. You wait.

Waiting is the great equalizer. It doesn't matter when or where you were born. It doesn't matter if your family tree has roots going back to the Mayflower, or you live in a trailer park with your mother and her loser boyfriend, your sister and her three kids, two cats and a dog. We all spend a lot of time waiting, for one thing or another. Those with money might wait in a little more comfort, sure, but they wait all the same. No amount of money, social standing, good luck and good fortune makes anyone immune. We all wait for the same sun to rise in the same sky. We all wait for the dwindling light of dusk to be followed by a starry night. We all wait for days to come and go, begin and end. we all wait for time to pass. There is nothing we can do but wait. Some of those days are slow, some are fast, some memorable, forgettable, or better off forgotten.

So I wonder, what are we waiting for? Right now, is there something you're waiting for? How long are you going to wait? Another day? Another night? Another week or a month? We all wait together; in that we have something in common. A universal and eternal connection.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of waiting.

Let me hear from you...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Pondering Urinals

Yep, that's right. I've been thinking about urinals, of all things.

Ladies... men have it easy in so many ways... they generally look better as they age, a man can be unmarried and be called a "bachelor" but a woman is a "spinster". Men generally have better upper body strength, they don't have menstrual cramps, they don't give birth and they seem to carry a little extra weight better than most women. A man with gray hair is "distinguished looking", a woman just looks like she needs to find right shade of hair dye. Men can pee standing up.... whoa! Now, is that really such a bonus?

Sure, it makes peeing in the woods a better deal for the guys... but seriously? Would a woman really like to pee at a urinal? Guys.. don't you ever feel self conscious? Don't you wish for a little privacy? Why don't they put urninals in stalls? Aren't there just a lot of awkward moments? What's the most embarrassing that's happened to you, or that you know about?

At least with women, once the door closes, so does the talking, unless of course we're out of toilet paper and need to ask if someone can spare a square.

As a woman, I like my personal space... and I like my personal space a little better with a seat cover and automatically flushing toilets. But I settle for privacy.

What things have you ever thought would be great to have... that would make your life a little easier? Something you were envious of? Are you glad things are the way they are?

Yep... I sure do like having a door closed and locked when I gotta go! Sometimes it's those simple things in life....